The World I Never Wanted
by BrownHairedWeasleyKid09
Summary: Spencer was taken from Ashely, but in a more painful way then death. Everyday Ashely sees Spencer with her new g.f, Randi. Ash spirals into depression with each passing day...oh just read it already! Its good. :P


A/n: I don't own SoN, if I did it'd be a free friday night prono between Spence and Ash during every episode. P Love me and thy fic, please R&R.

Warning: Hardcore topics in this (i.e. drinking, drugs and spiraling depression)

Chapter 1

I sat at my usual table at Grey's, which technically wasn't Grey's anymore. Some diner owner bought it, now it looked like the diner Spencer and I ended up stuck in when we ran away. Anyway, Grey's was gone. Story of my life, right? Everything I once knew and loved being taken from me. I sat drinking my burnt black coffee and smoking the last few of my camels. I stared into my black cup of liquid and noted how black it truly was, reminding me of my soul.

_'Wow, Ash, emo much?'_ I shook my head at myself and continued sitting there in silence. I heard the tiny bell above the door ding, announcing new arrivals. The voices of the new customers slowly drifted to my ears. My mouth fell open causing the burning stick of menthol to drop into my lap.

"Fuck!" I heard myself exclaim in a hiss and quickly picked up the burning cigarette. I kept my seat, staring out the dirty window, determined not to be seen. It failed.

"Oh, look, Ash is here." I winced at the sound of my own name. The once joyous feeling that came when those lips uttered my name was now nothing but pain and hurtful memories of what once was. I sighed and took a long drag from what little there was of the smoldering cigarette and dreading each nearing footstep I heard. A beautiful blond slipped daintily into the booth across from me, as did a tall, muscular girl. The blond looked quizzically at my cigarette, but smiled none the less. I forced a smile, my heart still melting at the sight of her, despite the pain it brought.

"Hey Spence." My voice was weak when I said her name, as was my smile. I nodded to the girl sitting beside my ex. "Randi." The girl nodded with a smirk upon her face as she slyly took Spencer's hand, the meaning clear to me. 'I have her and you don't.' I felt ready to vomit and before another word could be said, I stood.

"I erm….have to go do….important…things. Yeah, things, you know how it is. See ya!" I quickly gathered my things as I said this and hightailed it out of there, throwing a billfold on the table.

I sat hidden in my car, resentfully watching Spencer and Randi. I heard myself scoff.

_'Randi O'Conner.'_ Even in my head the name dripped with deadly venom and indisputable loathing. I hated her. I hated her for many reasons. One was that she had tried to steal Spencer from me. Another was that she succeeded. I sobbed, whimpering like a hurt puppy.

"Spencer was mine. Mine damn it!" I thumped my chest with my fist angrily. I watched as my one true love laughed at something Randi said. My anger grew red-hot. There was one more main reason I hated her. She was everything I wasn't. And in my opinion, _that_ must have been the reason why Spencer was with her and not me. Because Randi was popular, easy going, relaxed and funny. She had a family who _did_ give a damn and welcomed Spence with open arms. Only my father had done that and then, the night he met her, he died. What was I to expect?

Spencer grew weary of my mind games and that was the perfect moment for Randi to enter. People like Randi where always waiting for that one point of weakness before hoarding in. Hell, the army was full of them. I sighed lighting a smoke and turning the ignition of my car.

Chapter 2 

I pulled up into the driveway and groaned when I saw Mike's truck in the drive. I didn't even know why my mother was dating him; he was so not her type. Mike liked ATVing, fishing, camping and hunting. My mother…didn't. It's not like Mike is a bad guy; in fact he's a really good guy. It's just…I don't know. I felt like he was trying to win me over. And I wasn't in the mood for that today. I sighed, pulling the keys out of the ignition and got out, slamming the car door.

I walked into the house and directly into the kitchen. Mike was standing there eating a large turkey and mayonnaise sandwich. I didn't even know we owned mayo. He smiled as I walked into the kitchen.

"Hey Ashley." His mouth was full of food so the greeting was muffled. He swallowed and continued. "So whatcha up to?" He took a sip of coke while waiting for my answer. I opened the fridge and peered in at the contents. I took out a can of coke and a bottle rum and turned to face Mike before answering.

"What I'm up to is planning on taking this coke and bottle of rum up to my room, getting drunk off my ass and smoking myself senseless." I made sure that my statement carried a very 'don't even think about questioning my intentions' tone. Mike just stared at me. I threw him my keys, which he caught despite being off guard. I started up the stairs and said over my shoulder, "Don't touch my car; I only gave you the keys so I don't drive until I'm sober." I closed my bedroom door behind me and flopped on my bed. I knew better then to drive while drinking, especially after what happened to Aiden. I felt a familiar lump rise in my throat as the memories flooded back.

It had been a near average spring night about seven month's back. It had just rained, so the roads where slick. Aiden had been out drinking, his abusive father just got back from jail. So after a fight and a few punches Aiden went drinking. He was trying to drive to my house to have a safe place to sleep. So many factors where involved. He was drunk, tired, it was late, the road was slick, and it was dark. Aiden didn't see the little girl crossing the street, trying to go home because she got homesick at a sleepover. How could he have seen her? His Nissan hit her, causing her to fly into a telephone pole. The paper reported the next day that her tiny, fragile body was wrapped around it. Aiden's speed was deadly by itself. When he hit the girl, he lost control of the SUV, which hit a tree after rolling. He died early that morning in the ICU. If it hadn't been for Spencer, I wouldn't have gotten through it. She left me for Randi two months later. I felt the stinging of tears on my face. It was ironic that Aiden had been running from something harmful to somewhere safe, but harm still came. I ripped off the cap on the rum and took a long swing straight from the bottle. It burned slightly, but I now enjoyed the feeling. It helped me forget. So did the cocaine under my bed. I poured myself a rum and coke, seventy percent rum, thirty percent coke. I quickly downed the intoxicating substance and easily overpowered the urge to shudder. I then reached underneath my bed and withdrew a bag of fine white powder. I quickly crossed my room to my desk and sat, the urge to forget for a few hours overpowering. I carefully picked up the razor on my desk, poured out some of the contents in the bag and arranged four long white lines. I picked up my coke straw and paused for a moment, the tip of the straw posed underneath my right nostril.

"Wouldn't Daddy be so proud of his little girl?" I sneered at myself and then snorted the powder into the straw.

Chapter 3 

My eyelids felt like lead weights as I tried to open them. I groaned and rolled over. Bad move. The sunlight pierced through my eyelids causing me to groan more in pain. I shoved a pillow over my head.

_'How long have I been passed out? A few hours? A couple days?'_ It wouldn't have surprised me, I've done it before. But it hurt too much to think. My head was throbbing and I felt nauseous as I groggily started to wake up.

"Ashley! Come on, I'm gonna drive you to school." It took a minute for Mike's words to sink in. Once they did though, I bolted up in bed, causing the room to spin. I groaned for the third time and ignored the throbbing in my head as I stumbled to the door. I threw it open and looked at Mike who was down the hall.

"I don't need a ride. I have a car remember?" Mike's smile was blurry, like everything else, but the bit of white in-between skin told me it was there, which annoyed me.

"You seem pretty out of it, not the best condition to drive in. Plus, I still have your keys." He held them up and jingled them, causing the throbbing to worsen. I sighed and gave in. My head was pounding too much to argue anyway.

"Fine. Just stop that damn noise. I'll be out in ten minutes." I closed the door and slumped against it.

"Today's going to be hell." I muttered to myself and I slowly grabbed clothes.

"Have a good day Ashley, see you after school." I ignored Mike and slammed the truck door, walking as fast away from the vehicle as I could. The sun hurt my eyes as I walked towards my locker. The sunglasses I was wearing weren't totally helping. It made things darker, but the light still felt like knives against my sensitive eyes. Despite the darkness of the glasses I still saw the note taped to my locker. Upon reaching my locker I gently peeled the note and tape off. The note was small and white as snow, folded into a perfect square. My name was written on front in beautiful handwriting. I knew the writing, the note itself. How many times had I gotten a note like this during class? I shook my head staring as the folded bit of paper. She wouldn't write me one of these, they were always important. Bursting with love and filled with something happy. I watched as a tear drop spread itself across the perfect front. Now, it was perfect no more. Smeared by my doing. Just like Spencer. Spencer wasn't perfect anymore, though in my eyes, she'd always be. I shook my head again, more forcefully, hoping to rid my mind of thoughts.

"Still crying over your lezzie girlfriend? She dumped you, get the hell over it lesbo." The voice was cold and evil. Only one person owned such a nasty voice as this. I turned.

"No, Madison, I'm crying because you _still_ won't go out with me." My tone was obviously sarcastic. Madison just rolled her eyes and left with her cronies right behind her. I sighed and returned my attention back to the note. I wasn't sure whether or not to open it, wasn't sure if it was real. I decided against opening it and slipped into my pocket before walking off to class.

I walked out of class sleepy eyed, and note unread. Not like I could have, History has always put me to sleep. Actually…every class but music appreciation puts me to sleep. I knew I had to read the note before I saw Spencer, which was fifth period. But I still had three more periods to do it, so I was ok. I walked into Video II and sat in the back of the room, pulling the note out of my pocket. My hands trembled slowly as I opened every fold. I laid out the note on my desk, flattened it and picked it up again to read it. The handwriting inside was the same as the outside, only smaller. It made my heart flutter.

Dear Ash,

I've noticed you've been a bit secluded, especially since we broke up. We haven't talked at all, and that's when I realized something. I need to talk to you. I feel so…empty. I want us to be friends. No, I need us to be friends. I hate that we don't talk. I sorta figured you don't totally stick around because of Randi, but she's nice, Ash. She treats me so well, and she makes me happy. Can't you be happy for me? Come hang out with us today after school. It'll be fun. We're going to the bowling alley. Give me an answer in Brit Lit, ok? I'll talk to you then, kisses.

Spence 3

I once again felt warm tears running down my cheeks. She wanted me to spend time with her, which is what I've wanted ever since she said it was over. But with Randi the Homewrecker? I didn't think I could do that, not with them cuddling and Randi showing me what I can't have anymore. I decided to go anyway. It was time to step up and get over it. That was the best thing to do now, right?

Chapter 4 

I walked into British Literature with a bit of a heavy heart. I smiled at Spencer who walked over to me as soon as I entered the door. I could tell she wanted to hug me, but decided against it. I felt crestfallen, but decided it was for the best, she wasn't mine anymore. She looked at me, and I felt myself falling into those beautiful blue orbs once more. I mentally shook myself. I heard my name being called from her lips. I jerked out of my hypnotic state.

"Ash." Once again her sweet lips said my name.

"Yeah, wha?" She gave me her signature Spencer Carlin smile. I felt myself melting into a puddle. Just as Spencer opened her mouth to speak, the teacher told us to take our seats and pull out _Romeo and Juliet_. Spence took her seat next to me and when I looked over I saw her bent over something scribbling away. I laid my head onto my crossed arms and closed my arms when I felt a nudge and something smooth touch my arm. I opened one eye and saw a note lying in the cook of my arm. I picked my head up and took the bit of paper. I opened it and glanced quickly at the blond beside me before reading the note.

I assume you found my note? I rolled my eyes and took out a pen, scribbling back an answer.

As being that I'm holding it, yes I got your note. dur. I passed the note back to Spencer and watched her as she read the note. Those blue eyes rolled up to the ceiling and I smiled. She looked at me smirking and wrote me a reply, this going back and forth all period.

Smartass. I mean the one I left on your locker. So dur back to you.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

And???

I Guess I can go…

Yay You gonna meet us there, or should we take you?

I guess you can take me…I just have to call Mike and tell him he doesn't have to pick me up.

Mike?

Mom's new boyfriend. So not her type.

Oh, well, anyway, I'll see you after school, K?

Yeah, all right.

Just then the bell rang, signaling for sixth period. I picked up my bag and my books and headed for music appreciation, calling Mike on the way.

Chapter 5 

I sat in the back of Randi's Mustang GT, fidgeting. I could tell by the look on Randi's face when Spencer told her I was coming, she didn't like the idea. The car ride was uncomfortable for the both of us, but Spencer either didn't seem to notice or was ignoring it. She had to have noticed Randi's knuckles where white on the steering wheel. I tried not to smirk. The conversation was forced, and Spencer did all she could to initiate it. Finally, Randi got fed up.

"Spencer, babe. Mind if we just ride in silence the rest of the time? The talking is giving me a headache which is making it hard to concentrate." Spencer looked at Randi in a way I've never seen her look at someone else and sat up front quietly. Now my knuckles where white as my fists clenched involuntarily. Nobody, and I mean nobody, talked to my Spencer like that.

_'She isn't yours anymore though.'_ It didn't matter. My heart was still hers even if hers wasn't mine. I resisted from giving Randi what she deserved though. I wasn't sure why, but I had a feeling Randi would get hers soon enough. We pulled into the parking lot for the bowling alley and got out, Spencer still silent. I gently nudged her in the ribs when Randi wasn't looking and gave her that 'you ok?' look. She just nodded. I started to get worried, but then Spencer started talking again, as if she didn't want Randi knowing she was…whatever emotion she was.

We walked into the bowling alley, Randi behind us. After getting our shoes and lane, we set up the electronic scorekeeper. All three of us bowled a few frames till Spencer suggested we get some sodas. I went with her before Randi could even think about going. As Spencer and I stood in line chatting, our arms grazed against each other's. The surge of electricity was undeniable. We both jumped and looked at each other. After that we stayed a good six inches away from each other and waited for our drinks. Once our order was up we both reached for the cups, our hands touching. I felt her hand linger before taking the cup. My heart raced and my cheeks reddened. She walked off with a smile, leaving me behind looking like an idiot, my mouth agape.

After brining the soda's back, I headed off to the bathroom. I flung open the door, glad it was vacant and wrenched on the cold water. I ran my hands under the cold water and dabbed my face with it, careful to avoid messing up my make-up. I stared at myself in the mirror.

"She's dating someone else. Stop thinking there's a chance." I muttered to myself. Then the door swung open.

"Ash, its your turn." Spencer looked at me and I quickly straightened up. She looked at me and I put on a smile. She walked closer to me and I felt that electricity again. The look on her face told me she knew it was there too. I could tell she wasn't going to ignore it any longer, she still had feelings for me.

"Ash…I should tell you something." I stood there waiting for her to continue. "I still…I'm still in love with you. And I want to be with you, but you kept playing games with me. I don't want that to happen again." I took a step closer, I could hear her gentle breathing.

"I don't want to do that again. Not when I know I can't stand not being with you." This time she took a step closer, our noses near touching. I felt my eyes closing and my lips being drawn to hers. Her lips where even softer and sweeter then I remembered. All the love we had for each other poured into that one kiss. We where lost in our own world, we didn't hear the door open.

"Hey, what's taking so damn lo-WHAT THE HELL?!" Randi's voice roared, causing us to jump apart. "WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOUR DOING?!!" Spencer was cowering behind me. Randi's yelling was scaring the both of us, and I was sure people outside could hear it. I took a step forward, trying to be brave.

"She wants to be with me, Randi. So just go home. It's over between the two of you." My voice was a lot steadier then I expected.

"The hell it is! Come on Spence!" I slapped Randi before I even knew what I was doing.

"Don't you _ever_ take that tone with her, got it?" Randi looked at me in shock. After a long moment she turned on her heel and stomped out.

"Fine, find your own ride home." She said before the door swung closed. I exhaled a heavy sigh and turned to Spencer. She just looked at me.

"I…wow…thank you." She stuttered, amazed by my outburst. I put my arm around her and lead her outside. Once outside with some air, I flipped open my cell phone and called Mike.

"Um, hey, Mike? You mind picking Spencer and I up, we were ditched at the bowling alley." Mike agreed to come get us and so I gave him directions to the alley. While we waited, I kept my arms wrapped around Spencer, never wanting to let go.


End file.
